Just Three Months

Closing out the summer

In about 24 hours I’ll be zipping up my suitcases and saying my final goodbyes before I head to the airport. I’m not happy about this.

On the plane ride here, there was a moment early on where I just froze and thought, Did I just quit my job?! I couldn’t believe I had really done this and questioned my own decision-making. Three months later, I don’t have even an ounce of regret. This has been a truly wonderful experience.

I came here with no expectations, completely unsure of what the experience would be like. I’d certainly never done anything like this before and had nothing to compare it to. I knew I needed a change in life and for some reason Israel seemed like the next move. I pat myself on the back for the decision because I’m pretty sure I got it right. These last three months have been so good for me. Life always has its stresses and Israel comes with its own set, but I’ve felt different, and certainly more relaxed. Three months of vacation will do that for you.

I love reading but barely have time to do it, which is a real shame. This summer I’ve read more books than I had in the last, oh, 3 or 4 years. Zipping through some of these books I realized just how much I needed this time for myself.

Once again, I’ll bring up my poor sense of direction. It hasn’t improved and I imagine it never will, but I mention this because Katamon, my neighborhood, is an absolute disaster for someone like me. The place is so poorly designed that even skilled people have difficulty navigating it. I can’t explain how confusing I found it when I first arrived. Yes, this would be true of any new city, but this one is particularly impossible. Now, before I leave, much of it makes sense and I’m able to get places independently, a serious point of pride for me.

My Hebrew skills are, well, lacking, but they’ve improved. I have a much easier time understanding people and while I’m not confident speaking it, I’m aware of how much more I know. It’s a nice feeling to realize you’ve improved at something.

This past Wednesday was my birthday. When I was planning this trip all those months ago, I was debating whether or not to be in Israel for it. I’m a big fan of the birthday and was worried it would suck without my friends around me. There was no need. I invited a bunch of people out for drinks on a work night and was overwhelmed and honored by the turnout. While I seriously miss my friends back home I did not feel as if my birthday lacked in any way. That was not something I could have predicted.

And so here I am, my last free night in Jerusalem, kind of upset about having to leave. I’ll head out soon to do something fun with friends and squeeze whatever I can into tomorrow before I finally concede that I need to pack my summer up and bring it back to New York. For those back home that have been reading this, first, thank you, and second, I’m really looking forward to seeing you all again. I have certain people in my life because I want them to be a part of my life, and being away from you all isn’t fun. I’m gearing up for lots of hugs.

I’m proud of myself for having done this. I kept announcing before my departure, “If I’m ever going to do something like this in my life, now’s the time.” It was the time. I think this was great for me. Mentally, socially, developmentally. I don’t have any more answers now than I did before and things aren’t any clearer for me. I didn’t expect them to be. In fact, I’m pretty sure I created more confusion in my life, but I don’t feel burdened by it. I feel lighter, happier, and certainly thankful.

So…

In one week from today I’ll be back in New York, which is both exciting and depressing. As always, it’s been hard missing things back home - 9/11, the first Giants game, my good friend’s aliyah goodbye parties - but I can’t wait to see my family and friends and attend a Yankee game and feel the crisp fall air. (Seriously. It’s the freshest of the year in October.)

I clearly have mixed feelings about leaving Israel, and it’s worsened by the fact that I still don’t know if I’ll be returning. All along I assumed I’d figure it out before my stay here ended, but the pressure it was putting on me was tremendous. I was spending just about every waking minute debating what to do and it was a constant back-and-forth that I couldn’t handle. So I’ve decided not to decide yet. I will come back to NY and see how I feel. At this point, I’m leaning towards a return to Israel but have no idea how my being back home will impact that decision. I refuse to be the person that says one thing and does another.

That being said, I’ve been doing my best to soak up Israel while I can. In the last few weeks I’ve done a lot of touristy things and simultaneously tried to live like a citizen. I am slowly but surely mastering the streets here and I’m a pro in the shuk, but I still look at things with a tourist’s eyes and secretly want to yell, “I’m a New Yorker, too!” when I hear someone speaking with that terrible/terrific NY accent. It’s hard not to feel like I’ve started a life here when, in the stretch of one week, I’ll have attended a birthday party, an engagement party, and a brit milah all for people I’ve met this summer. Yet, I can’t wait to do those same things back home with the people I’ve known for years. A dichotomy, if there ever was one.

I don’t know how to end this. I’m confused but wholly enjoying life. I need to start looking for jobs and I’m not sure where to do it. I can’t wait to see the friends I’ve been missing, but I fear missing the friends I’ve been seeing. Life’s fun like that.

The Hardest Part

I wrote a post a while back about missing baseball because I really miss baseball. As you might suspect, it’s not the only thing I miss. It’s incredible how much I miss New York - its life, its pulse, its experiences - and America - its people, its culture, its opportunity. Then there’s my family, which I think goes without say I miss. It’s been years since I’ve lived at home and have long since adjusted to not seeing family so frequently, but it’s difficult not being present for my young niece’s and nephew’s milestones.

Still, without a doubt, the hardest thing for me has been being so far apart from my friends. My friends have always meant a lot to me in my life, but I was not expecting this. I was nervous about being away, about dealing with the FOMO and all that, but this is another level. I feel bad when I’m not there to celebrate birthdays, miss out on parties, say goodbye before people leave the neighborhood (as many have this summer,) enjoy Shabbat meals, or simply hang out. The time difference has been a killer and I’m often not available to Gchat when others are. I seem to be getting all the news late and the important info second-hand. I truly miss my interactions with the people I’ve spent the last half a decade spending my time with.

To be clear, I’ve met some fantastic people in Israel. I was amazed at how quickly I felt friendly with so many people here and how truly welcoming they were. In a matter of months I went from knowing a handful of people to knowing dozens, and it’s been a wonderful experience. I do believe I will sincerely miss many people here when I’m back in NY.

That being said— it’s just not the same. The comfort level I have with my friends back home is unmatched. I don’t believe the people here fully know my personality or all that much about who I am and what I’m like. I’m not as funny. I understand it’s been just two and change months and it’s all still new, but I crave the camaraderie I had back home.

I feel incredibly lucky to have met all the people I did here and to have developed so many new friendships, but I can’t wait to get back to everyone in New York. My flight’s on September 19th. See you all on the 20th?

There’s no time. There’s never any time!

I have fallen a bit behind on blogging, but it’s hardly my fault. I blame ulpan and the whirlwind of social events taking place in Israel. The truth is, I really have been busy and have not slept much these last few weeks. I’ve had very little time to myself… not that I’m complaining.

Ulpan finally finished on Thursday, which might sound a bit ridiculous considering it was only four weeks long. In my defense, they were a very intense and exhausting four weeks and I was not alone in feeling that way. Towards the end, my classmates and I agreed this needed to finish soon. Because I didn’t care much about my actual grade, there were quite a few times I didn’t bother doing homework, but there were nights I did, and those nights often lasted 7-8 hours. At one point I took 5 tests in 5 days. It’s a lot.

While I’m glad all that intensity is over, I will miss my class. I adored one of my teachers and ended up becoming friends with quite a few people from Gimmel-1. I would never have predicted getting along so well with Eitan, a non-affiliated Jewish college student from Portland, or Valerie, a non-Jew from Germany. Sitting in that classroom was like sitting in the UN, with representatives from about 10 countries, an impressive feat considering there were fewer than 20 of us. In just a few weeks I really got to learn about the array of interesting people around me, and it was amazing to see how different people were from my first impressions of them. Pa-ooh-la “mmmhmmed” her way through that whole class, but the three badly-dressed white guys with mustaches I referred to in an earlier post turned out to be Conrad, from Poland, Arjen, from Holland, and Simon, from Germany, who were, in fact, bad dressers, though all three without mustaches. Learning about their backgrounds and what they were doing in Hebrew U. was fascinating. Everyone had a story.

In that short time, I’m glad to say I feel I really gained from the course, but I suppose I might have gotten even more out of it if I wasn’t occupied with the wine festival and artists festival and some parties in between. It was nice being able to attend all the fun social events and not have to worry about my final grade.

Looking forward, I don’t get much relaxation time since I’ve got Tzippy visiting from New York and we’re going to pack in a full week of activities. But sleep and mental and physical capability are so overrated anyway, aren’t they?

An American in Israel

There are two things I’ve been meaning to address that relate to the title of this post. One is how I’m viewed as an American, the other how I view others because I’m American. Allow me to explain…

It’s no secret that Americans are not internationally adored, and it comes as no surprise that in Jerusalem, a city filled with Jews from all reaches of the globe, the sentiment is no different. I expected to be teased for my nationality, but I have to say that I didn’t expect it to be this frequent, this offensive, this… annoying.

People are of the belief that Jerusalem is overrun with American Jews, and while there are plenty here on a greater scale, I’ve found the social circles I’ve encountered to be minimally American, giving me the opportunity to meet people from a multitude of countries, which I’m thrilled about. There are so few Jews in the world, yet we’ve managed to sprinkle ourselves across the continents, and learning about different Jewish experiences is so enjoyable for me. I love discovering the similarities and differences. However - and this is obviously a loaded “however” - I’m pretty disappointed in the way people have behaved towards me as an American. They say we’re loud? Not the Americans I’ve met here, and certainly nowhere near as loud as people from other countries. We’re rude? That’s a baseless accusation if you meet the incredibly friendly people here. We’re self-centered? Perhaps. Americans are notoriously poor at geography, a stereotype I try my hardest to deflate, but an American displaying her American pride is no different than an Aussie or Brit displaying hers.

Yet, Americans seem to get the brunt of the comments, something I’ve discovered from speaking with quite a few Americans living here, some for months and some for years. It takes a lot to offend me, but there’s something about having one’s nation, birthplace, homeland insulted that rubs me the wrong way. I’ve made every effort not to earn those insults, but for naught. It’s not that I can’t handle it, it’s simply that I don’t appreciate it.

Part two of this post covers a different subject matter. As Americans, we often joke about things being PC and how overly sensitive everyone’s become, and perhaps there’s something to that. I realize my home state of New York might be a little more careful about such things than others and may have contributed to my heightened sensitivity, but I can’t express how surprised I’ve been since my arrival at non-Americans’ attitudes towards… anyone. Terms, words, names, phrases, and ideas Americans have learned not use as a means of respecting others that differ from ourselves are utilized brazenly here and I admit my initial reaction was one of shock. I didn’t realize the US was so advanced on that front - in fact, I assumed we were sorely lagging - and am still taken aback when I hear people speak about others in ways I would never dream of doing. I don’t know what to make of it and don’t know that there’s anything to do about it, but it’s been on my mind for so long that I felt the need to share it. It was certainly unexpected.

I wish I had something insightful to end this with, but I don’t. The best I can do is ask others if they agree or disagree with me on this, or if anyone’s shared a similar experience. I would love some feedback on this matter.

Israel’s Funny

Hebrew U. is the first stop on the bus I take to return home after ulpan. Today I was the only one taking the 4-Aleph from this stop, which had never happened before. As I got on, the driver asked me if I knew the bus route well. I told him I had only been taking the bus for a week and barely knew it at all. He told me he knew the first few stops but wasn’t sure what to do once he arrived in a particular neighborhood. I apologized for not being able to help and chose a seat on the double-length bus, just assuming I’d make it home.

Now, some thoughts:

1. I figure this is a new driver or a driver new to the route. That’s all fine and dandy, but wouldn’t you think he should learn the stops, I dunno, before driving it?

2. The dude easily could have taken a map or a piece of paper with him telling him where to go. I mean, if a driver can drive the narrow streets of Jerusalem and simultaneously punch a hole/sell a bus card, he can look at a piece of paper instructing him where to make his turn.

3. When I informed the driver I had only been taking this bus for one week, he seemed to think this was a lot of time. This spawns its own thoughts:

    a. This particular route is ridiculous. It weaves through many different neighborhoods and makes an abnormal amount of stops. Even if I had ridden it for a month I’m not sure I’d be able to tell him where to go.
    b. Of course the driver had no way of knowing this, but as mentioned in a previous post, I lack a sense of direction. I’m the last person you’d want to ask to navigate. Let’s not allow the humor of this situation to be lost. 

At some point during my ride, the driver got on the loudspeaker and asked that if someone was familiar with the route they come to the front of the bus. Without hesitation, a young guy in the middle of a conversation jumped up and assisted the driver, and shortly returned to his seat. And here’s where I had one of those “only in Israel” moments. What major city would allow its driver to ride a route without knowing it? Few, I’d imagine, but Jerusalem? Suuure, why not? On top of that, where else you would you see someone jump to help an unaware bus driver without blinking an eye over the fact that he doesn’t actually know where to go? This fascinated me, but I also understood that this is absolutely characteristic of Israel. Things can be so absurdly backwards, but so refreshing at the same time.

I Should Be Studying

I should be, but after many years of not having any schoolwork, it’s taking me some time to get back into this. My first few days of ulpan were simple enough; they took concentration and required I do homework, but nothing too crazy. Today? Today I wonder why I opted to do this.

I’ve been doing homework for over an hour now and am nowhere near done. I’m comforted by the fact that the other students in my class were equally appalled at the amount of homework doled out today, especially since quite a few of them have taken this course before - at a lower level - and already have an idea of what’s considered normal for this type of ulpan. I am somewhat worried that this is how the rest of my month is going to go since everything is jammed into four weeks.

I am not totally opposed to doing work, but the problem is that I’m out of practice and I seem to have the attention span of a fly. (Is that a thing? Do flies have short attention spans? I digress. SEE?!) So many years removed from schooling, I’m finding it hard to focus and complete the task at hand. Since I started doing homework around two hours ago, I’ve eaten a snack, cooked dinner (a multi-step dinner,) and now I find myself online. How do people do this?

The worst part of it all is that it’s Thursday night, the “Saturday night” of Israel. Sure, I happen to not have any plans tonight - likely because it’s the Nine Days and really, what is there to do? - but if something comes up I’m not sure I’ll even be able to leave my apartment because I’ve still got loads of homework to do, as previously mentioned, AND, I’ve got a test tomorrow. On a lot. A whole lot.  Now, ordinarily I wouldn’t have class on a Friday but tomorrow we do since we’ll be off next Tuesday for Tisha B’Av and need to make up the day. So I’m home, doing homework and terrified of what my study experience will be like. Be glad you can’t see my notebook filled with words right now. Be very glad. And wish me luck.

Update

Today was the first day of ulpan.

Last night I went to bed still “conditionally accepted,” meaning they took my money but hadn’t yet agreed to place me in a class and make it official.  All day yesterday I was debating whether I should go down there before class and force my way in, or not bother going at all, miss my first day, and use that as leverage for getting my money back and instead go to a different ulpan that doesn’t cost nearly as much, is closer to my apartment, and isn’t as intense/won’t give me as much homework. I decided I would go down there and make the attempt since I’d already put so much effort into getting in.

This morning, as always, I woke up far earlier than my alarm and went online. Alas, no emails of acceptance. Because I had been doing it multiple times a day for so many days, I absentmindedly signed into my Hebrew U student account to check my status and was shocked to see the notice informing me I was officially enrolled. From there, I got my class information, as well as classroom information, and felt a sense of relief.

Today was my first day of ulpan.

The internet in my apartment wasn’t working most of the night and now it’s late and I need to wake up for class tomorrow, so any descriptions of the experience will be brief, but I’ll quickly share the following few items:

- I’m certain I will learn a lot in this class. It’s a whole semester’s worth packed into 4 weeks, but it will definitely be effective.

- I would estimate there are 20-25 students in the class and somewhere between 10-12 nationalities. The age range is tremendous. There are at least three tall, lanky white guys with unidentifiable accents, thin mustaches, and bad clothing.

- I got stuck sitting next to Paula today. She pronounces her name Pah-oo-la. She looks like the sort of grandmother that spends her time needle-pointing images of ducks and sunsets for all her cousins. She spent the entire day saying “mm hmm, mm hmm” in agreement with any single thing either teacher said today. I will not sit next to Pah-oo-la again.

Ulpan? Maybe.

My plan all along was to take ulpan while in Israel. My Hebrew can use some serious help and I needed something worthwhile to occupy my time. If I was an oleh, this would be free, but I’m not, so I spent months asking around for a good ulpan that was worth the money. I was repeatedly informed that Hebrew U. had the best program, so I applied.

I suppose that was my first mistake.

Okay, mistake might be a little harsh, but you know how Israel has a reputation for being riddled with red tape and bureaucracy? There’s a reason for that. Putting aside the ridiculous expense for this four-week course, the hoops I’ve had to jump through to apply for this ulpan have been more than a little absurd. Application? Sure. Application fee? I can handle that. Multiple forms and requests and steps and requirements on top of that? Come on, people.

I’ll spare you the details, but I’ve done a lot - more than should be necessary - to get myself into this program. I feel the need to remind Hebrew U that I’d like to be an ulpan student for a month, not a government official. At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve bugged my phone and questioned my family for background information on me. After a lot of back-and-forth, I’ve got my student ID… but I still haven’t been accepted to the class, which starts in 4 days, because I have one last form to complete that I’m having some serious difficulty with since it requires a medical examination and I do not have a doctor here. And no, I can’t just have any doctor here sign it since it requires lab results. Lab results!

They’ve already processed my payment so I have some leverage, but I was told I won’t be admitted to class without this form, which is due in another two days. Readers, I will keep you posted, but keep your fingers crossed for me. Doing nothing on a daily basis is starting to get boring and not being able to converse in the native language is getting annoying.

Ah, Yes, the Question

I knew my time here would be riddled with “The Question.” I was asked before I arrived and have been asked nearly every day since. I’ve been asked by people in the US and people in Israel. By friends, by family, and by near-strangers. Everyone wants to know if I’ll be moving to Israel, and my response as always is, “I’m making no decisions yet.”

I expected this and in all likelihood would ask the same of someone in my position. I have been here over a month now and the question is appearing with more frequency. I find there are several motives behind the question: 1) Zionism 2) Investment in a new friendship 3) Basic curiosity 4) Simple conversational exchange 5) Having another friend/family member around 6) Having a friend/family member move away 7) Fear of having a child 6,000 miles away and not seeing her. (That last one might pertain only to my mom; my dad hasn’t asked yet.)

It’s impossible to be here and not consider the question. One of the reasons I’m here to begin with is because I had been thinking about making the move for many years, never knowing if I had the nerve to do it or if the timing was right. Fewer than five weeks in, I’m thoroughly enjoying myself, slowly adjusting, and beginning to recall what it was I liked about this place to begin with, but still believe it is far too soon to make any decisions about where I’ll be when these three months are up.

My plan, before I left, was to stay for only three months. I knew all along I would return home and I have the ticket reservation to prove it. I don’t know if I’ll have made a decision about returning or staying before I leave or if I’ll have a change of heart in either direction somewhere down the line. For now, I maintain my open mind and hope to continue enjoying the ride.

Don’t be afraid to ask me the question, but be aware I may not have an answer for you.